Saying Goodbye

My flight back “home” is tomorrow morning and I have so many feelings about my departure.  I feel happy that I will be getting back to my own apartment, sadness that I’m leaving the baby and my family…  That I won’t be able to see her get older and start walking and talking.  I feel regret about not being able to see a few friends I wanted to see before leaving.  I feel apprehensive and excited about getting back into the swing of things at school… starting a new semester trying to teach some kids, trying to work with a teacher who don’t seem to like me too much or at least doesn’t know the meaning of the words “team teaching”.

I think I’m just ready to get things back to normal.  It’s funny that after five months I feel like this has become my “normal” even though I’m still not used to climbing up and down five flights every day.  And I’m still not used to the trek up from the train station.  And I’m still not used to people gawking at me each and every place I go.  And I’m even still not used to the different foods I’m eating everyday.

I guess I’ve already become used to  hearing people all around me speak Japanese instead of Spanish/Chinese/Vietnamese/Tagalog/etc.  I’ve become used to studying Kanji daily.  I’m used to sleeping on a futon.  I’m used to taking three days to dry my clothes enough to wear them… they’re never fully dry, just “not too wet.”  I like living in Japan… for now.  I’ve embraced the differences for the most part.

I’m going home tomorrow and I guess I’m just excited and ready to get back to life as usual.

You Can’t Go Home Again, I Guess

I’ve been looking forward to visiting home for a while now.  I wasn’t around for the birth of the baby and I was excited to see the little bundle of life that was created inside of and birthed from my sister.  I was excited to see my parents.  I was excited to see my siblings who understand me like no one else.  I don’t know what happened, but when I got here, I felt so different.

I’ve been in Kobe for just 5 months now, but coming back I feel like an outsider.  Not from any negative feelings or sentiments from family; by no means.  Everyone seems so excited to have me back for a visit, but…. I dunno.  I can’t really put it into words, but I feel a little like I don’t belong.  Even more, I feel uncomfortable.

I wonder, have things really changed so much in my life that I feel like I’m on the outside looking in?  Is it because so much has happened while I’ve been gone that I feel out of the loop?  Is it that I’ve created a different world or part of my life that is completely separate from that of my family and I’m just not used to that experience?

Don’t get me wrong, I love my family with my life; but I don’t know if the decisions I’ve made or will continue to make with my life will push me further away from them.  When a belief is not just a part of your personal thinking, but most of your cultural experience, what happens when you change things up a bit?

They will probably love me no matter what, but for me it casts a bit of a shadow over all the exciting visit.  Now, there is also apprehension and doubt.

I think I will try to just push all these thoughts aside and sort them when I go back to Japan; if that is even possible.

It’s also hard because I don’t have an outside person to talk to, not so much here in California.  The strongest non-familial relations I have right now are all in Kobe… on a 17-hour time difference, with school schedules and roaming charges to think about.

Yay 2009… this feels a bit like a punch in the emotional gut.

2008… What Did You DO To Me?!?!

I don’t know if any year of my life has ever been so epic and life-changing.  I was looking over the blogs from the past year and I can’t recall any other time in my life that has been as epic as these as these last twelve months.

In January my Grandmother was diagnosed with bone cancer and after a few months of caring for her weekly, she passed at the end of April this year.  My sister learned she was pregnant and the baby was born in October.  I had also heard from the JET programme about my application just before beginning my last semester of college.

In February I interviewed with JET and both my brother and Grandfather were in and out of the hospital a few times.  March was kind of quiet aside from working on school projects and trying to learn Japanese while I was still waiting to hear back from the JET programme about my interview… that was agonizing.  Oh yeah, and we moved.  I hate moving.

In April I found out I was accepted into JET and just two weeks later my Grandmother passed away.  I drove cross-country three days to attend the funeral.  I also found out the baby would be a girl.  In May I finished my final project for school and graduated with my Bachelor of Arts degree after what seemed like forever.

In June I just spent time with family and in July I spent countless hours staring into my closet figuring out what to bring to Japan.  I had a going away party and in August I moved to Japan.  The last four months of the year have been an absolute whirlwind.  I’ve picked up a lot of Japanese already, I’ve met lots of great people, and have traveled to several places across the country.

Nara, Japan

I’ve had many firsts this year, like a great leap in feeling independent and having a disposable income.  2008 made me feel death, life, divorce, ridiculous drama, knowledge, growth, accomplishment, fear, apprehension, shame, pride… and love.

If this next year is anything like the one that’s coming to a close; I should prepare to get my socks rocked off.  So let’s get ready to eat some mochi, drink some sake (everyone else… not me), and ring the temple bells into the Year of the Cow!

Have a Very Merry

It’s Christmas here in Japan… well… what’s left of it anyway.  At 11:30pm Christmas is pretty much over; especially in a country that loves the commercial aspect of the holiday and believes it is celebrated with buckets of Kentucky Fried Chicken and Christmas cakes.

I don’t even know what a “Christmas Cake” is; all I know is that when I asked my students what they wanted for Christmas, several of them said Christmas Cake.  I don’t know what type of cake is used for Christmas here in Japan: chocolate, fruit, rum… I have absolutely no clue.

I do know that this Christmas has been kind of weird and a little lonely, even.  I mean, it hasn’t been completely lonely… I got to spend an early Christmas with a family and have a turkey dinner and play some Mario Kart on the Nintendo Wii with a set of gorgeous and absolutely amusing children… but having to work on Christmas (because I couldn’t justify to myself taking paid-leave to sit in my apartment all day alone) and then come home to a lonely apartment with no music, no family, no comfort foods… it was chotto tough.

I don’t want to sound like a wet blanket, though.  I will admit that I did get a nice little mini-vacation the weekend before Christmas, and I will be going home on the 9th for a visit with family, so I don’t have too much be negative about especially since school is out for vacation and (because of my trip home) I won’t have to teach until late January.  That’s a nice feeling.

So, Merry Merry; Happy and the like.  Spend time with the ones you love.  =D

Barebones

I will update soon, I’ve been really tired lately, or not in the blogging state-of-mind if you understand.

Here’s a barebones update:

• My birthday was last Tuesday, it was pretty cool.  I went to Kyoto with my Ni-Nensei students (7th graders)
• I got a package in the mail from home, thanks Mom!
• I might not go home to visit in January as planned because my sister, her husband, and baby Gabby may be in Antigua for half the time I want to come home. My opinion: it’s almost pointless to come if the baby won’t be there. Almost.
• The temperature here is playfully dipping between winter colds and autumn warms on an almost daily basis.  I’m afraid for the winter that’s around the corner… my first one with snow.
• I’m getting along really well with my teachers and students.
• Some other JETs from San Francisco will be coming to visit next weekend.  I’m excited.
• I would have to take a paid day off to avoid working on Christmas.  I just might do it because that might be too hard for me to handle – working on Christmas, no family around, not being home, etc.

So… yeah. Hopefully I shall return soon.

These kids are LOUD!

I know that I will never fully understand Japanese culture, but for a people bent on “saving face”, they sure do let their kids go buckwild a lot.

In the States when a person is out in public and their child begins to throw a tantrum; screaming, yelling, and drawing attention to the parent or present caretaker, that is an awkward or embarassing situation.  Most people within earshot will turn around to find out what child is making such terrible noises and why the parent isn’t taking care of business.  Now, there is a real difference between a child crying from pain or sadness, and a kid just wailing away because they are not getting what they want.

When a kid begins to throw a tantrum, the parent will try to calm the kid down to save face in public.  Yes, the parenting styles are different; some parents may stupidly give into the child’s desires (and teach the kid how to get their way and become a spoiled brat), some parents may count (to a million, even, and the kid learns that nothing will ever happen when mom or dad stop counting), and some people choose to spank the child (and teach them that they can’t have everything they want and that mom or dad is in charge so the kid needs to stop acting up).  In any case, the point is that the parents or caretakers at least make an attempt to sooth the savage beast.

Here in Japan I am quickly learning that’s a different story.

Just from my apartment I have heard at least 2 different infants cry for a solid 10 to 15 minutes.  It seemed like someone just left them in the crib, right next to the window, and their cries filled the neighborhood.  Not the worst situation, I understand, the baby could have colic or something.  By far the worst thing I’ve seen (several times over) is a young child, around 4 years old, full-on screaming making tearful demands (in 日本語, of course) while the (grand)parent just ignores the kid and keeps walking.  At 9pm old people call the cops if you play music a tad too loud while they’re trying to go to sleep, but some kid screaming in the street for 10 minutes doesn’t move anyone?  Doesn’t drive anyone crazy?

I saw a lady on the train, very fashionable, with a kid about 4 or 5 years old.  They got on the train and the kid immediately falls to the floor screaming about some thing or another and the mother is just sitting there like he isn’t making any noise.  She’s on a train.  That isn’t embarassing?  That doesn’t make you lose face?  Your kid fully screaming and you, the parent, cannot control them and tell them to calm down and stop making a fool of themselves in public?

What is especially confusing is the fact that Japanese people love quiet at home and while riding the train and in both situations, no one even looks at the kid.  I just stare at them… in the eye… asking “what on earth is wrong with you?”  They generally sober up pretty quicky after that.

Many times I just wonder, “Does Japan have Child Protective Services?”

I’m an Auntie!!!

My sister finally had her baby!  The “official” due date was October 2nd but the little girl was not having it… so several days later, on October 5th the doctors induced labor and little 7lb Gabrielle Christine was born!  So now I’m officially an AUNTIE!

Here’s a lovely picture.

My niece!

The only thing that sucks is that I wasn’t able to be there for the birth, I really wanted to be there to support my sister; but Gabby is healthy so that’s really all that matters.  I got to speak to my sister a few hours after labor and I guess she had the baby in her arms because I heard her mewling for a split second!  It was a very tiny voice, and that was the only sound she made.

Erica said that Gabby barey made any noise when she was first born, which is amazing seeing as how both my sister and her husband are singers and very vocal. =P  But in a bit, she’ll be singing just like her mommy and daddy and she’ll drive them crazy like Erica used to do me when we were kids.

I should be going home for a visit in January and I’m excited!  Time to go buy baby shoes and blankets and all that stuff! =D

The Party

The going away party was cool. Very low-key, just what I wanted and I was glad for the people that came out. I had a nice time. Here are some shots, I’m gonna go to bed.

Party

Procrastination Hurts

I’m not generally a procrastinator… I like to work on things little-by-little early on in the project, so that when I get closer to the deadline, I’m not freaking out.  I don’t know what it is about finals, though, especially in Spring, that just make me about the most procrastinating person ever.

The last final, and I mean last final of my undergraduate career is due to be presented Tuesday.  It’s a video piece.  I’m probably only 25% done.  I’m pretty sure it’s because I had to re-shoot it but I found that out just 2 days before a 6-day long trip to Arkansas for my Grandmother’s funeral.

Right now, I know I should be working on the piece but good lord I just feel so unmotivated!  Not motivated?!  You ask, But you’re about to graduate!  What more motivation do you need?!?!  It’s that semester-end thing where I’m just barely crawling over the finish line.  I am overwhelmed with the many things that life is throwing at me now.  I know that I will complete it tomorrow.  I know that I will pass the class.  I know that I will graduate.  But at 9:06pm PST, at this very present moment, I don’t know if what I produce will even be halfway decent.  I’m just so done already.

I need to find employment.  I need to clean my bedroom which is an utter pigsty because I did laundry the morning I left and didn’t get a chance to put it all away.  When I got back at 2:30am, I pushed everything off my bed and collapsed and have been so busy since returning that I haven’t had a decent amount of time to clean.  I need fingerprints.  I need to get 2 sets of paperwork done.  I have to submit volunteer hours.  Worry about getting bills paid (I haven’t worked since January because I was looking after my grandmother, going to school, and taking Japanese classes).  I also have to train 5 people before I leave in August.

Sometimes I just get so worried about stuff that I just want to drop it all and start from scratch, but I can’t really do that, so slosh through it I must.

But I don’t mean to sound like a drag.  There are some silver linings to my clouds:  I made an awesome new friend last month who absolutely makes my days.  I will be graduating with a BA degree by the end of the month.  The Drive-In is open.  I have a full summer to spend with great friends before I move to Japan in August.  I will be a first-time Aunt come October.  I will be independent.  I will almost be like a real grown-up!

So there you have it.  Once I get over this hump called May (which, oddly, seems to be a big hurdle every year), it will almost be smooth sailing for a while.

And with confidence somewhat restored, I will rest and relax tonight and (hopefully) go full-throttle tomorrow, probably chatting with my buddy throughout the day, ha!  Oh yeah, and my sister and her husband come back tomorrow, too… so that’s always nice.

Sorry sorry sorry, I’m back

So sorry for the long (unintended) leave of absence.  I didn’t mean to go away for so long.  Life has been insane.  I have one week left of school. my sister is pregnant and just learned yesterday the baby is a girl, (FTW!).  After caring for my grandmother for several months, she finally succumbed to bone cancer about 10 days ago.  I got in to the JET program and will be leaving in August for Japan.

More detailed updates to come, I’m just trying to get things in order and this next week coming up will be a little hectic.

Want to know what was stealing my time?