You Can’t Go Home Again, I Guess
January 12, 2009I’ve been looking forward to visiting home for a while now. I wasn’t around for the birth of the baby and I was excited to see the little bundle of life that was created inside of and birthed from my sister. I was excited to see my parents. I was excited to see my siblings who understand me like no one else. I don’t know what happened, but when I got here, I felt so different.
I’ve been in Kobe for just 5 months now, but coming back I feel like an outsider. Not from any negative feelings or sentiments from family; by no means. Everyone seems so excited to have me back for a visit, but…. I dunno. I can’t really put it into words, but I feel a little like I don’t belong. Even more, I feel uncomfortable.
I wonder, have things really changed so much in my life that I feel like I’m on the outside looking in? Is it because so much has happened while I’ve been gone that I feel out of the loop? Is it that I’ve created a different world or part of my life that is completely separate from that of my family and I’m just not used to that experience?
Don’t get me wrong, I love my family with my life; but I don’t know if the decisions I’ve made or will continue to make with my life will push me further away from them. When a belief is not just a part of your personal thinking, but most of your cultural experience, what happens when you change things up a bit?
They will probably love me no matter what, but for me it casts a bit of a shadow over all the exciting visit. Now, there is also apprehension and doubt.
I think I will try to just push all these thoughts aside and sort them when I go back to Japan; if that is even possible.
It’s also hard because I don’t have an outside person to talk to, not so much here in California. The strongest non-familial relations I have right now are all in Kobe… on a 17-hour time difference, with school schedules and roaming charges to think about.
Yay 2009… this feels a bit like a punch in the emotional gut.
oh stina! are you still in the bay!?! let me know!
Wow…such a frank post and I admire your courage to put those thoughts and feelings on display. I’m interested to hear how being back into your routine here for a few days will impact on you.
I relate because although I haven’t been home, there’s a strange part of me that intuitively feels I will have the same experience after two long years.
“It’s also hard because I don’t have an outside person to talk to, not so much here in California.”
Sorry to hear you feel this way…
I know exactly how you felt during your last visit. During the ten years I lived on the east coast I only got to come back to Bay Area, maybe every two years. I always felt awkward and could not wait to go back to Maine.
When I reluctantly had to come back to live in the bay area, there was a really tough transition period, but now I’m back in the swing of things and have a whole new life.
I got to spend 5 years with my mom before she died this last February 09. And I am so blessed by that.
Your time away is a great, rare opportunity for you. When it’s time for you to return home for good I believe you will have an easy transition. You and your family are very close. It will take no time at all for you to get right back where you were. But it can’t be done in ten days.
Email me any time you want to talk.
I love you and think of you often.
Ali Mae